Back on Track…loads to report

August 8, 2007 by dunny.

Last you heard from us we were in Istanbul, Turkey.  Right now we’re in Bukhara, Uzbekistan.  I’ll try my best to be short and sweet about the miracles and disasters in between.

We woke up in Istanbul and made our way around the city, hit the black market and such, then jumped in the car determined to make Baku, Azerbaijan in one go.  Andy wrote a killer blog about this stint but we couldn’t get internet access to post it, so as soon as I get Jane Barker to email it to me, we’ll get it up.  Suffice it to say the drive took 44 hours.

That put us in Baku.  We had rolled through Georgia and been completely awe-stricken by Tblisi, and then traversed Azerbaijan, which is by far the dirtiest and most corrupt place we’ve been.  We were stopped repeatedly for fake violations and asked straight-up for bribe money (talked our way out of some, compromised with others, hated all).  We got into town and found Jane’s apartment and called her, then waited on the corner until she could take us to park and pass out.

The plan was to wait on Driving Miss Daisy and Wrong Way Round who were supposed to go through Turkmenistan with us.  They were more than a day behind, though (we can’t all drive for 44 hours solid).  So we were stuck for the time being at Jane’s place, much to the dismay of her roommate Caitlin.  They were very welcoming the first night, but as we were waiting for our convoy and trying to catch up on sleep over the next 2 days, our welcome ran out (somewhat our fault for getting so used to foreign hospitality).  Many thanks to Jane for being awesome, you rock!  And many thanks to Caitlin for being nice the first night that I unfortunately have to take back for the lectures on manners and repeated inquiries to “What have you accomplished today?”  But hey, we don’t hold any grudges.  It’s not her fault the bug up her ass has a stick up its ass.

Feeling the pressure to get moving, I ran down to an internet cafe one night to try and find other teams in Baku and found out there were about 10 teams down at the docks waiting on the ferry.  So we were off.

Down at the docks, we were trying to buy ferry tickets but ended up last in line.  The guy told us there was room for the car but no room for any more people, which makes complete sense in Azerbaijan logic I guess.  We talked him into it though, and along with all the other teams spent the night in the parking lot within the DMZ drinking 6 bottles of vodka we bought for a total of $10.  Some slept in cars, I slept on the hood of the Chariot, and Andy passed out on the concrete with no pillow.

Up the next morning for all the customs, which I handled since Andy was still running around hammered.  We got on the boat and were put in one of the crew member’s cabins with the guys driving the ice-cream truck.  The ferry left around 11am and got to Turmenbashi at 2am…but another ship there forced us to anchor a few miles off-shore until about noon.  Then we stood around on the boat waiting to get our passports back until 3pm.

Now comes the time when I tell the tale of something far beyond cultural clashes.  The customs office in Turkmenbashi is an alternate reality altogether.  The ten teams pulled up and sat waiting for about 4 hours.  When they finally started processing our papers, the adventure began.  I’ll try my best to get everything in the right order…

First you go to a lady to pay for your visa and the car entry ($64 per visa and $150 or so for the car).  She fills out a series of carbon-copy forms without using the carbon-copy and makes you sign each one.  This takes roughly 1 hour per person.  You then take those forms to register the car, where a man fills out a form in block letters and draws your route on a map.  Then you go to three guys who write the same details about you and your car down in different logbooks…one of the guys asks you if you like Turkmenistan music, then asks you if you like sex, then shows you tiger beastiality.  After that you go to another room where a guy wakes up from his nap and writes down the same details again.  Then you go to another building and pay a Chinese woman $1.  Then you go to another room in another building and pay a guy and try not to make eye contact with the two guys laying on the bed smoking opium and holding hands.  Then you go back to the first building and pay Miss No-Carbon-Copy again.  Then you get your visa.  Then you have to find the “Little Man” to open the gate for you, but he says you’re missing a form.  You go back and buy this form only to discover you already had it.  You show him and he runs in and argues with the officials for a while, then finally you’re out the gate.

All told, it took 12 hours for all of us to get through customs, and that involved absolutely no checking of car contents.

I should mention that we were only allowed to enter Turkmenistan with a guide, and since our convoy was way behind we teamed up with some others who went through the same company: Hobo Logistics (Canada), Team Shadowboat (Maryland), and Team Saskatchawan (Canada).  Our guide was a Turkmen fella named Jabbar, who spoke 5 languages and was previously a doctor (translators make more money though in Turkmenistan).  We crashed that night in Turkmenbashi and drove the next day to Ashgabat, the capital.

Surprisingly enough, Turkmenistan was an absolutely amazing country.  I’ll leave all the researchable details for yall (or ask me later), but Ashgabat was like Vegas with a curfew.  Everything closes at 11pm except for a couple discoes.  In fact, you can’t drive anywhere outside the cities after 11 or its assumed you’re up to something and you’ll get arrested.  So we kept our desert driving to the daytime and spent the nights in Ashgabat at the discoes (stories from these will be shared later).  We saw the biggest market in Central Asia, a couple historical sights (old cities destroyed by Genghis that they have just begun excavating), and more oddities than I can list.  I wish we could have sat and posted while we were there, but internet has only been allowed in Turkmenistan for less than a year, so it’s pretty hard to find.

We left the country yesterday (after more completely random forms and payments) and made it to Bukhara last night.  We’re now in convoy with Hobo Logistics only (they text in progress to the Mongol Rally website if we can’t get internet for a while).  We did a little car maintenance this morning and plan to head to Tashkent today.  We’re basically trying to work our way through Uzbekistan, possibly Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, and Russia over the next 6 days so we can hit Tsagaanuur, Monglia on the 14th and have 5 days to cross the Gobi Desert.  We’ll update if possible, but I have no idea when or if internet will be available.

Thanks to those who expressed concern for where the hell we were.  As always though, it’s not to worry.  SkipLizard moves on (with new Sultans of Awesome, the Hobo Logistics team, who were 4 but are now 3 since one was called back home).  Pics and stories to come of Wolfgang, Wiederman, Carl Tuvan, and the departed Aiden.

Keep puttin up awesome

Skip, out. (SkipLizard Homepage)

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