August 19, 2007 by dunny.

Life in Ulaanbaatar recallibrates your awesome scale.

We woke up yesterday and sent Andy off, then Anth from the Pandas, the Yaksi Taxi chicks, and me grabbed some Mongol grub and went off to the black market.  If you’ve never seen a Central Asian black market you’ve never really experienced organized chaos.  I have no idea where they get the goods but it’s basically a long line of huts that all have the same shit and will bargain to the bitter end to eek out one more dollar.  Anth’s bag got picked.  The Yaksi’s got their bags slashed open.  We were poked and prodded and pushed and yelled at for the whole 3 hours.  The only way we figured we would triumph was to just be cocky annoying white devils and act like we owned the joint.

So we bought pink suits.

The Rally “black tie” never saw such glorious assholes.  The site for the nightclub is http://www.mongolia-nightclub.com and I think they have pics of the party.

Managed to find Gans and Enkhe last night.  It’s amazing how every moment in this town is OK.  Everybody knows everybody.  There’s no planning or worry, they just knew the Rally party was happening and wandered in to see if I’d showed up yet.  They wanted to do lunch today to make some countryside plans and Gans just said “Dave’s place around noon.  It’s Mongolia so it’s probably between 11 and 1.  We don’t have solid time here.”

Oh, and whoever sees Andy first tell him to mail the Chariot keys back here so I can sell her instead of leaving her in the middle of Sukhbaatar Square to be molested.

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August 19, 2007 by dunny.

Alright folks, unfortunately we haven’t had any internet (or phone, shelter, good food, or civilization) in the last week so this will be a long post.  But holy shit it will be awesome.

Last yall heard we were in Almaty and that time’s were good.  Here’s what really happened…

We were stuck in stop-and-go traffic, which the Chariot has never enjoyed, trying to get to the center of the city.  Carl Tuvan of the Hobos needed to stay overnight and sort out his Russian visa then fly to Semey where we would pick him up.  The Chariot was a little pissed about this delay though.

She was running out of gas and starting to overheat.  She finally decided she’d had enough and blew the reserve tank off the radiator completely off and started smoking.  Then the alternator started to die and the battery juice ran low.  It was like the last stand of the Chariot of Awesome and we were just into Kazakhstan.

Well we decided to just milk her along until something died and fix it.  We managed to drive her through a good portion of the desert and crash on the side of the road with optimism peaked.  Got a jump from the Hobos in the morning and kept on truckin.  This is where the adventure started.

Basically we couldn’t stop driving or she stalled and needed another jump.  Starting the night before we had been changing drivers while going 40mph down crap roads in pure darkness…not because it’s a good/stupid stunt but we thought we had to.  We inched along like this until we were about 100 miles south of Semey in the middle of absolutely nothing when the alternator bit the dust.  Dead.

We weighed options for a while (scrap the car and catch a bus, look for abandoned cars to gank an alternator, trade it for donkeys, etc).  Finally I took off with the Hobos to test out the nearest town while Andy took off the dead alternator and lubed it up for one possible final push.  This was kind of similar to the water pump in that we knew exactly what was wrond and how to fix it, but much much worse in that we didn’t have a replacement and there was no semblance of civilizations for miles.

Great.  We got one more jump and just booked it.  Keep in minds the roads in Kazakhstan are like a pice of Swiss cheese and we couldn’t ever take gas off (brake or clutch and it stalled immediately).  So there we were going 50 in constant life-before-your-eyes style with moments or airborn glory and skid-outs and heart attacks.  We still stalled 7 times.  It was raining and none of the accessories worked b/c the battery had no charge, so I had to manually wipe the windshield with the spare wiper blade as I drove.  I had to pass a truck on the shoulder and ended up in the grass for about a half km.  Somehow we got her to a town and pulled into a gas station.

There we found a kid who spoke a little English who found a guy who took us to his random friend’s shack right there in the middle of nothing.  We pulled up and stalled in the back yard of a chubby Kazakh named Donabek, who was busy rebuilding his humble home with his family.  He had a huge smile and and equally huge gut.  We liked him immediately (we kind of had to b/c we were separated from the Hobos at this point and completely relying on the man).

We pointed to the alternator.  He took it off, fished out a file and some wrenches, then went into his shed and pulled out an alternator brush from a motorcycle engine that was the same model as ours.  Luck?  Nah, just awesome.  Together the 3 of us rebuilt that alternator and got the Chariot humming like new.  We gave the family some gifts and were off.  What a difference 4 hours can make.

And Master Theobald, you have some competition.

Right, so we decided to get to Semey and make a gameplan, but the last stretch of road was still like driving on a cheese grater, so finally we just crashed on the side of the road again.  We woke up a few hours later about 10 feet from the Semey welcome sign

We filled up and decided to rally on to the homeland.  It took about 5 hours to get through the Kazakh-Russia border.  All the legends of bribe-seeked Russian border guards never took form and we slipped right on through.  We pushed on to Barnaul, exchanged some cash, and talked to a few truckers to find out the route to the Mongol border crossing (about 3500 km away!!).  So we were off, first for Irkutsk and Lake Baikal, with no map or compass or convoy.

The first half of the drive through Russia was pretty sweet…nice highways, no traffic, Chariot running well.  A couple days of drive, cook on the side of the road, sleep on the side of the road, drive, drive, honk, drive had us pretty confident.  We pulled over at sunset one night (forgive me for not knowing days, they all ran together after a while) to cook and a trucker pulled up to see if we needed help.  Great guy…ended up giving us biscuits with fresh Siberian honey and some tea…but then he broke the news that soon we’d come to a 200km stretch with “road no exist.”

My friends, that is a complete understatement.  The M53 motorway through Siberia is the worst road on the planet.  There were potholes bigger than the car and 5 feet deep.  There would be good pavement spots for about a half km, then there would be a hole the size of Rhode Island.  Plus, it was pouring rain.  The Chariot really came into her own over the next few days…popping into 4 wheel drive and following a truck in pitch blackness in a thunderstorm through mud as high as our tires, all while trying to avoid debilitating holes.  It took 2 solid days to drive this stretch and get to Irkutsk and we took about 12 gigantic wallops in potholes.

We got to Baikal at night and had a look…it’s beatiful but we had no time to stop.  We were working our way through town and by stroke of awesome ran into a couple other Rally teams (Bad Idea from New Jersey/California and Prancing Pandas from UK/South Africa).  They had come down from Scandanavia and were pushing for the border that night.  Hello 3rd convoy, the best yet.

We drove through the night and were approaching the Mongol border at sunrise.  The scenery was brilliant.  It was really amazing.  The Chariot had started making some noise that night but we were so close we didn’t care.  Then, with the border in sight, something exploded.  OUR DRIVE SHAFT SHEARED COMPLETELY OFF.  It spun the broken piece around so hard that it cut through the floorboard.  Had I had my left foot on the clutch and not propped up on the seat, it might have been cut off.  We were smoking.  We almost killed the Panda with metal parts flying out from under the car.  The Chariot was dying.

She was taking us to Monoglia though, dammit.

We tied to the Panda which pulled us the last few km to the border, where we pushed her up to the Russian gates.  Here, we spent the next 6 hours sitting and waiting for “many many documents” that the Russians insisted we had to have.  They prepared whole packets of papers with cover sheets and everything that, after all that time, we just handed back to them and drove through.  Well, we pushed the car through.  But still.

On to the Mongol border.  They knew we were in the Mongol Rally.  They had a list of cars with all of us on it.  They saw our papers.  Seems pretty straightforward that we could skip on through and head to UB, huh?

We were there for 30 hours.  First, they decided they’d close customs early so we’d have to stay the night.  We all took turns arguing or yelling or laughing or making fun and finally just walked into town for a hotel and a bar (we could go into Mongolia, just the cars couldn’t).  We turned it into a killer party, though, so no worries there.  Just another border adventure…the 20th so far, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

We woke up and after 5 hours of document processing were through.  We found a tow for the Chariot and jumped in with the other cars (Andy in the Panda, me in the Micra).  It was a 300km drive full of drinking and screaming and 70mph hand-offs and even and off-road demolition derby in which both cars lost their doors, headlights, and a semblance of quality.  Andy jumped out at one point and rode a bull.  Well, he jumped on and fell off.  Then he chased another one around for 10 minutes and jumped on, but the bastard just sat there.  It was awesome, to say the least.

So, where are we now?  Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.  The Chariot is resting at the finish line.  We made it.  Andy went to the airport this morning for his trip home, and I’m headed off to the countryside in a couple days with a Discovery Channel cameraman.

What, yall expect anything less?  Here’s to being awesome.

Skip, out. (SkipLizard Homepage)

P.S.  Andy will put up his recap at some point, and I will keep blogging.  The drive may be over, but the adventure is definitely not.  Mongolia, here comes awesome.

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August 11, 2007 by dunny.

In the 3 days since you heard from us last we have crossed two countries, one of which is by far the most amazing place we’ve been so far.  We’re in Almaty, Kazakhstan…here’s how…

We left Bukhara shortly after the last post and set a goal on getting here as fast as the Chariot would go.  We made it up somewhere near Tashkent and stayed a night then kept moving…stopped in for breakfast and thought we’d found a Junior Awesomeite (a 12 year old boy who spoke great English and gave us tours of the restaurant and fish tanks and told us all the waitresses were in love with us).  He translated the orders and made things as easy on us as it’s been since we left Baku.  Then when we were leaving he asked for $10 for the “memory.”  We said no, so he asked for sunglasses.  I drew him a picture instead.  So he stole my tennis ball.  Little grifter.

We managed to cross the Uzbek-Kyrgyz (Osh, Kyrgyzstan) border late that night and were just going to try and make it as far as we could on our way to Bishkek.  The border guard had told us the road we wanted was good but had “one problem.”  Well about 50 km from the border we found the problem.  The road disappeard.  Completely.  So we turned around and wandered through southwest Kyrgyzstan fighting extreme sleep deprivation and a lack of roads or people to ask and finally ended up at a different Uzbek-Kyrgyz border crossing. 

Wolfgang from the Hobos went up to ask directions and as he made his way to the door a rabid dog went apeshit on him and he tuck-tailed and ran as fast as a fart in a frying pan.  Good wake up call I guess.  It turns out that the guard was napping…he woke up and basically told us that when that road had disappeared we needed to keep driving on the rock-track until it picked back up.  So we did.

When it finally did pick back up we managed to get lost again so we decided to pull over and catch some sleep there on the side of the road (2nd time in 2 nights).  Now, the Chariot has a lot of magic, but sleeping room it does not.  My legs fell asleep somewhere around 4:30 so I climbed out on the hood to stretch out and fell back to sleep.  As the sun was coming up, I was in a nice slumber until I heard a little whistle and a tap on the shoulder.  Ever seen Deliverance?

I rolled over and sat up and looked out at about 40 Kyrgyz locals (most on foot, some on donkey-pulled carts) staring at me with wide-eyed bewilderment.  I said hello.  They kept staring.  One of the donkeys started hee-hawing.  One of the kids hissed at me.  So I climbed back in the car and told Andy we might ought to get a move on.  Then we went back to sleep, using the tapping at the windows for meditative purposes.

Anyways, whenever we all got up we finally found the right road and started our journey to the mountains.  Along the way we stopped at the base of a giant lake near Toktogul and basically found the Barton Springs of Kyrgyzstan.  Cold river water running past nice rock shores, so we swam and were wet for the first time in 4 days.  Competely awesome…worth every baby leech we had to pick off.

We made our way into the mountains and discovered what has to be one of the most pristine, gorgeous lands in the world.  Rolling green mountainsides with nomad yurts and animals scattered all throughout…a sky so big it felt like another planet…cool winds for the first time in weeks…a clear sunset at our backs…

It’s my biggest regret we didn’t have time to stop.  I can’t describe the feeling of peace and tranquility in that countryside, it left us all so moved we almost said “Hell with it” and camped there.  Had to keep moving though…

We made our way back down the mountains through old Soviet tunnels and winding roads and more psychotic Central-Asian mountain drivers and on to Bishkek.  We got pulled over by some locals who were having a bachelor party and talked with them for a while, then they dragged us off to a grocery-store parking lot and drank vodka with us.  Sweet.

We made it to the Kyrgyz-Kazakh border around 3am and it was like walking into a rave.  There were huge arches and roughly 800,000 people milling back and forth…apparently it’s an open border and people go to and from Bishkek and the neighboring Kazakh border town on the weekends…we were stars to say the least.  All in all though, the last 2 borders have taken a combined 2 hours with no fees and lots of help.  Eat me Turkmenbashi.

Headed north today and trying to get to Barnaul, Russia as fast as possible.  If you have a minute do some research on Kygyrzstan…it really was the most surprising gem of this entire journey, one that left us all begging to come back some day.  As with every story from this trip, we only have time to write the most essential details, so ask us about it when you see us.

Also, be sure to scroll down a couple posts…we got hold of Andy’s Turkey recap and posted retroactively.  That, and keep puttin up awesome folks.

Skip, out. (SkipLizard Homepage)

P.S.  They wrote about us in the main Turkmenistan newspaper.  No names or anything, but I’m not sure what level of celebrity that puts us at…here’s the link…

http://www.turkmenistan.ru/?page_id=3&lang_id=en&elem_id=10725&type=event&sort=date_desc

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August 8, 2007 by dunny.

Last you heard from us we were in Istanbul, Turkey.  Right now we’re in Bukhara, Uzbekistan.  I’ll try my best to be short and sweet about the miracles and disasters in between.

We woke up in Istanbul and made our way around the city, hit the black market and such, then jumped in the car determined to make Baku, Azerbaijan in one go.  Andy wrote a killer blog about this stint but we couldn’t get internet access to post it, so as soon as I get Jane Barker to email it to me, we’ll get it up.  Suffice it to say the drive took 44 hours.

That put us in Baku.  We had rolled through Georgia and been completely awe-stricken by Tblisi, and then traversed Azerbaijan, which is by far the dirtiest and most corrupt place we’ve been.  We were stopped repeatedly for fake violations and asked straight-up for bribe money (talked our way out of some, compromised with others, hated all).  We got into town and found Jane’s apartment and called her, then waited on the corner until she could take us to park and pass out.

The plan was to wait on Driving Miss Daisy and Wrong Way Round who were supposed to go through Turkmenistan with us.  They were more than a day behind, though (we can’t all drive for 44 hours solid).  So we were stuck for the time being at Jane’s place, much to the dismay of her roommate Caitlin.  They were very welcoming the first night, but as we were waiting for our convoy and trying to catch up on sleep over the next 2 days, our welcome ran out (somewhat our fault for getting so used to foreign hospitality).  Many thanks to Jane for being awesome, you rock!  And many thanks to Caitlin for being nice the first night that I unfortunately have to take back for the lectures on manners and repeated inquiries to “What have you accomplished today?”  But hey, we don’t hold any grudges.  It’s not her fault the bug up her ass has a stick up its ass.

Feeling the pressure to get moving, I ran down to an internet cafe one night to try and find other teams in Baku and found out there were about 10 teams down at the docks waiting on the ferry.  So we were off.

Down at the docks, we were trying to buy ferry tickets but ended up last in line.  The guy told us there was room for the car but no room for any more people, which makes complete sense in Azerbaijan logic I guess.  We talked him into it though, and along with all the other teams spent the night in the parking lot within the DMZ drinking 6 bottles of vodka we bought for a total of $10.  Some slept in cars, I slept on the hood of the Chariot, and Andy passed out on the concrete with no pillow.

Up the next morning for all the customs, which I handled since Andy was still running around hammered.  We got on the boat and were put in one of the crew member’s cabins with the guys driving the ice-cream truck.  The ferry left around 11am and got to Turmenbashi at 2am…but another ship there forced us to anchor a few miles off-shore until about noon.  Then we stood around on the boat waiting to get our passports back until 3pm.

Now comes the time when I tell the tale of something far beyond cultural clashes.  The customs office in Turkmenbashi is an alternate reality altogether.  The ten teams pulled up and sat waiting for about 4 hours.  When they finally started processing our papers, the adventure began.  I’ll try my best to get everything in the right order…

First you go to a lady to pay for your visa and the car entry ($64 per visa and $150 or so for the car).  She fills out a series of carbon-copy forms without using the carbon-copy and makes you sign each one.  This takes roughly 1 hour per person.  You then take those forms to register the car, where a man fills out a form in block letters and draws your route on a map.  Then you go to three guys who write the same details about you and your car down in different logbooks…one of the guys asks you if you like Turkmenistan music, then asks you if you like sex, then shows you tiger beastiality.  After that you go to another room where a guy wakes up from his nap and writes down the same details again.  Then you go to another building and pay a Chinese woman $1.  Then you go to another room in another building and pay a guy and try not to make eye contact with the two guys laying on the bed smoking opium and holding hands.  Then you go back to the first building and pay Miss No-Carbon-Copy again.  Then you get your visa.  Then you have to find the “Little Man” to open the gate for you, but he says you’re missing a form.  You go back and buy this form only to discover you already had it.  You show him and he runs in and argues with the officials for a while, then finally you’re out the gate.

All told, it took 12 hours for all of us to get through customs, and that involved absolutely no checking of car contents.

I should mention that we were only allowed to enter Turkmenistan with a guide, and since our convoy was way behind we teamed up with some others who went through the same company: Hobo Logistics (Canada), Team Shadowboat (Maryland), and Team Saskatchawan (Canada).  Our guide was a Turkmen fella named Jabbar, who spoke 5 languages and was previously a doctor (translators make more money though in Turkmenistan).  We crashed that night in Turkmenbashi and drove the next day to Ashgabat, the capital.

Surprisingly enough, Turkmenistan was an absolutely amazing country.  I’ll leave all the researchable details for yall (or ask me later), but Ashgabat was like Vegas with a curfew.  Everything closes at 11pm except for a couple discoes.  In fact, you can’t drive anywhere outside the cities after 11 or its assumed you’re up to something and you’ll get arrested.  So we kept our desert driving to the daytime and spent the nights in Ashgabat at the discoes (stories from these will be shared later).  We saw the biggest market in Central Asia, a couple historical sights (old cities destroyed by Genghis that they have just begun excavating), and more oddities than I can list.  I wish we could have sat and posted while we were there, but internet has only been allowed in Turkmenistan for less than a year, so it’s pretty hard to find.

We left the country yesterday (after more completely random forms and payments) and made it to Bukhara last night.  We’re now in convoy with Hobo Logistics only (they text in progress to the Mongol Rally website if we can’t get internet for a while).  We did a little car maintenance this morning and plan to head to Tashkent today.  We’re basically trying to work our way through Uzbekistan, possibly Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, and Russia over the next 6 days so we can hit Tsagaanuur, Monglia on the 14th and have 5 days to cross the Gobi Desert.  We’ll update if possible, but I have no idea when or if internet will be available.

Thanks to those who expressed concern for where the hell we were.  As always though, it’s not to worry.  SkipLizard moves on (with new Sultans of Awesome, the Hobo Logistics team, who were 4 but are now 3 since one was called back home).  Pics and stories to come of Wolfgang, Wiederman, Carl Tuvan, and the departed Aiden.

Keep puttin up awesome

Skip, out. (SkipLizard Homepage)

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August 2, 2007 by Andy.

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Well you have heard from Ryan, and now it is my turn to give you a little insight about this little adventue…this is a long one so you might want to take your shoes and socks off, get a nice cold glass of iced tea, put your reading glassses on and settle in for a tale of two wandering souls in search of the almighty paradise called Mongolia.

First let me tell you about the drive that Ryan refuses to speak of, and there is a good reason for that I might add. We were driving from Varna, Bulgaria, to Istanbul, Turkey, which on the map was only a 6 hour drive…something that we welcomed with open arms after having been on previous drives 12+ hours. Anyway, the map did not mention that there was a huge mountain range between Bulgaria and Turkey…and when i say huge i mean like 75 kilometeres of mountain driving. Ryan took this leg, and proceeded to scare the absolute shit out of me by driving what seemed like a million miles per hour all over this mountain. (It was really only like 35 or 40, but it seemed like a million.) It was also dark, without any signs, and no other cars were on the road at all. Oh yeah, and the road had not been maintianed so it was like playing “avoid the pothole that will snap your car in half.” Sounds like fun I know, but I really don’t reccomend it to anyone. We finally arrived in Turkey a little shaken and emotionally drained (mountain speed driving seems to do that to a person).

Fast forward a little…(Ryan already told you about some of Istanbul). We woke up the next day at 2pm, we had arrived in Istanbul at 5:30am, in search of a place to purchase some much need goods. We went to the 6 story mall where we found nothing that we needed and were unable to bargain with any of the shop owners. What did we do you ask…we then headed to the Grand Bazzar, a place where we knew that we could haggle over prices. We emerged victoriously and then made the decision to head straight to Baku, Azerbaijan traveling along the coast of Turkey. So after taking pictures with the Hilton staff and our car we set out. Let me tell you, Turkey is by far and away the most beautiful and interesting country that we have been to…hands down.

Traveling the Turkish countryside we drove through the night taking 4 hour driving shifts, and during our drive some of the most wonderful and unexpected things happened. Most importantly…EVERY STEREOTYPE THAT AMERICANS COULD HAVE OR COULD THINK OF HAVING ABOUT THE TURKISH PEOPLE OR MUSLIMS WAS SHATTERED.

We were driving throught the city of Lapzon around 11:00am when a little red car passed us honking and waving. Naturally we waved back because people tend to honk at us a lot. The car then slowed down after a minute or two and let us catch up with it. They motioned for us to pull over and made some type of hand gesture. We did and immediately one of the passengers jumped out and came over to our car. He said, “my family is going out for some breakfast and we were wondering if you would like to join us?” How do you say no to that…you don’t…that is one of the main things that I have learned on this trip is that you never refuse a gift; mainly because it is offensive, and also because if someone offers you something then they are offering with the most sincere of intentions. They led us to a eatery where we met the entire family, all 12 of them. We sat down and immediately started eating and talking, through the translation of the eldest son Erdin (truly sorry if I mispelled the name). We had a cultural exchange of the highest degree, and the main point that they wanted to show us, even before they found out that we were Americans, was that the Turkish and Muslims do not want to harm anyone…if anything it is the complete opposite, and because they were interested in Ryan and I, and we looked tired and hungry they took us in and fed us. “Actions speak louder than words.”

After we finished the meal they sent us packing with food to eat on the road and some pictures with the entire family around our car. We then stopped at the next gas station that we saw, in Rize, Turkey to fill up. Immediately a group of men came around the car and started to ask us questions about the nature of our journey. When they found out that we were Americans they immediately invited us to sit down and have tea with them. This turned out to be the most enlighteneing conversation that we have had on this entire journey. It was about politics and why America does the things that it does, and being unable to answer for the mistakes of Mr. Bush I had to tell them that we the people are not out for the same things that our leadership is. They understood this…once again “actions speak louder than words.” They also explained Islam to us, and then gave us a gift of Rize tea (apparently some of the best tea in the world) and asked for one thing in exchange…that we go home and tell everyone “that the Muslim people do not want to hurt anyone, and all they want is peace.” Having actually experienced this twice in the last hour I was on the verge of tears and felt that at the very least I could explain this to all that would listen. This is the reason for our journey, and there was so much more that happened but I cannot possibly write it all down…ask me about it next time you see me.

Back on the road again, we hit the Georgia border…not the one to the nort of Florida. The duties of the navigator took on a slightly different role from those previously held. Because we had no map the navigator was reduced to saying “cow, chicken, pig, horse, goat, dog, or person” every time one was standing in the road. This was a little different from telling the driver which road to take and saying stop when there was a red light and go when it turned green. There were a lot of animals to say the least. We drove for a long time and finally reached Tbilisi (the capital of Georgia). But we got lost in Tbilisi and spent an hour looking for the road to Baku. After a heated discussion we finally were able to find the way out.

We eventually reached the AZ border and were held for over an hour, but after some schmoozing and pleading they let us pass into what would become that “what in the hell did we get ourselves into moment.” The moment that we all had been waiting for…i know it.

The landscape became barren and the roads disappeared as if they were paved a long time ago, but never maintianed. :Pause…(Internal thought)…: The road to the capital city, Baku, was being repaved or at least the portions that had been previously paved were being repaved. Imagine shrinking yourself down by a lot and then getting a tiny car and driving over a cheese grader for about 4 hours…i just hope our car is still not upset at us. We were stopped by the police twice at checkpoints along the way. This is where a civilized country and a non-civilized country differentiate. The police made up charges and proceeded to foce us to give them money. Life lessons…dont ever trust anyone with gold teeth, and especially dont ever trust a police officer with gold teeth…which by the way is all of those in Baku. It is so bad, as we later found out, that it is not same for women to be out past dark–not because of the citizens, but because of the police. Imagine corruption that runs that deep. They can and will stop you for any reason, true or untrue, and make you pay them money or try and take your things (my camera, Ryan’s sunglasses), and if you don’t pay then you go to jail…Nice system Azerbiajan, I see some awards for most improved country comming your way soon.

Besides that all is well, and we are awaiting the arrival of our convoy so that we can board the ferry to cross the Caspain. At that point blog entries may become a little more scarce due to the maybe non-existent availability of technology. Nonetheless, if we have to write our posts by hand and send them back to the US by carrier-pigeon then it will be done…awesomeness says so.

Andy Out

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July 28, 2007 by dunny.

SkipLizard doesn’t give in when the going gets tough.  We rise to the occasion.

Our water pump went out in the middle of the night just after we had crossed the Romanian border.  We refilled the radiator with water at a rest stop and made it about 30km further to Cluj Napoci when the Chariot went into the RED.  We stopped at a gas station and started stretching so we could fight those bitch bolts.

Keep in mind…our tools are shitty.  Beyond worthless, really.  Long story short, there were two huge bolts that we couldn’t get off and had no chance of getting off.  All that happened was us standing on the car grunting and sweating and tugging until finally we gave up and passed out sitting up in the car.  Yup, in the gas station parking lot.  With truckers staring at us.

Up the next morning and had a few more bouts but figured all we were doing was bending the engine screws so we went off to try and find a mechanic.  Put the beast back together and found one just down the road, but he was too busy to help.  He just gave us a few hints and sent us on our way.  At least he spoke English.

Back to the gas station parking lot only to find yet another bolt we had no chance at.  So we pissed around and got bitchy with each other, put the beast back together (again), filled the radiator up and added some sealant and kept driving.

At, the next town we got to we pulled off at a garage immediately and found some dudes to help us (they had real tools).  We got the new pump in and got the Chariot humming like new.  We haggled over a price and eventually gave him some American bills and had him sign the car.  AND…get ready for this…the town is called Turda.  We got our turd of a water pump fixed in a town called Turda.  Awesome makes the world go round.

Right, so we were off to Transylvania.  I think the biggest surprise of the trip so far was how absolutely amazing the Romanian countryside is.  It’s absolutely gorgeous…sheep everywhere…cows walking in the road in the small towns…horse-drawn carts everywhere…we were in awe.  We made a quick stop by Bran Castle (Dracula’s place) and got back on the road.  Being a day behind, we had to hurry and get to the Black Sea coast in Bulgaria and hit the beach.

That meant another drive all night event though…much tougher this time though because the Bulgarians invented an alphabet that uses numbers and stars and exploding mushrooms to represent sounds.  We got lost immediately after crossing the border and had to navigate back to our entry-point (Ruse) using star-naviagation.  I’m not joking.  We went back north to the border using the North Star b/c our compass doesn’t work.

Right, so some time around 5 or 6am Andy started hallucinating and imagining people and bodies in the road and had to take a couple road-side naps.  I eventually took the reins and got us to Varna on the coast to meet up with Nick and his Bulgarian lady, Lili.  Had to hit an internet cafe then a pay phone to wake the lovebirds up at 9.  Lili told us where to meet and we bounced around that crazy beach town and finally got a cabbie to lead us and got out of the SJ.

We had a couple beers and some pizza and hit the beach.  After a quick swim and a few peaks at all the topless women we passed out in the sand in legendary fashion.  A 3 hour nap never felt so good.

Had showers at Lili’s grandma’s place there in Varna then headed north to Golden Sands to some friends of Lili…Svetla and his chick whose name I won’t even try to spell…who were staying at Svetla’s grandparent’s cottage in the hills overlooking the sea, with an outdoor kitchen and a case of beer with 11% alcohol.  Had dinner and hit the town nearby, and since we didn’t have to drive through the night finally we just drank a bunch of Tequila instead. 

Woke up at 2pm wondering why we were still drunk and went back to the beach.  Spent the whole day there admiring more and more gorgeous women and gold sand and blue water…then had a quick dinner…and were off for Istanbul.

We’re here now, safe and sound and marvelously happy.  I’ll save the tale of the 11 hour drive along the Bulgarian coast for Andy…partly because I’m exhausted, but mostly because I never want to speak of it again.  Sorry for the delay in posting, apparently we caused a good panic back home (and Andy couldn’t help but post about breaking down since we didn’t get the chance when it actually happened)…but if you learn a lesson here, it’s that we will not fail.  We will not be held down.  We will not succumb.  All we know is awesome.  Sit back, take a deep breath, and marvel away at the fact that we have now covered 10 countries and 2500 miles in 6 days, met more badass people and had more wild experiences than we may have ever had, and ended up in an Executive Suite at the Hilton with a balcony overlooking Istanbul that was given to us for free (thanks again Lisanbes).

Starting today, comfort goes downhill fast.  But that means the fun goes up.  You thought the awesomemeter was in the red up to this point?  Just wait my friends.  Baku, Azerbaijan and Jane Barker are next on the list…we’ll be there either tomorrow or Monday and it may be until then that we’ll get internet.  But no worries folks.  SkipLizard finds a way.

Here’s to being awesome.

Skip, out. (SkipLizard Homepage)

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July 25, 2007 by Andy.

What do you do when your car breaks down with a busted water pump in Cluj Napoci, Romania…you have no phone card or internet access…you speak 0 words of Romanian…debit cards don’t work (in Romania)…your crappy tools can’t get the bolts off…and frustrations/exhaustedness are mounting…?

Suggestions?

Be back in a bit…

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July 24, 2007 by dunny.

We hit the road from Prague yesterday, headed to Budapest, Hungary for the night.  The drive was going fine and dandy…we were about 5 miles from the Czech-Slovak border and pulled into a gas station (so as to not spend ANY money in Slovakia…4:1 on the dollar apparently…how I’ll never know).  We pulled around back to eat our hot dogs as Andy expressed his bad feeling about the upcoming border.

Then up comes a Police van followed by two big Mercedes Paddy-wagons.  They blocked us in, walked over, and basically said since we didn’t have an Autobahn sticker on the car we had to pay a 200 Euro fine or go to jail.  What do you do?  You play dumb American.

Back and forth we just pretended we didn’t understand what the hell they were talking about…except we weren’t really pretended b/c we had no earthly idea what they wanted besides money.  Finally one of the cops pulled out a cell phone and called what we think was a friend that spoke English, so Andy jumped on and played the charity-rally-we-just-didn’t-know card while I schmoozed the cops some.  Long story short, we convinced them to just let us buy the Autobahn sticker and go with no fine or arrest or sever beating.

Hit the border, went straight through Slovakia, spent about 10 seconds in the corner of Austria, then into Hungary.  We found Budapest, knowing only that our hotel was somewhere on the northwest side of the river.  Then we realized Budapest has 3 rivers and follow the trend of not labeling their streets.  Oh, and let’s not forget, our water pump went out about 200km ago and we were overheating.

We got as close as we could figure to where we were supposed to be, and I ran into a Radisson and asked directions.  We were 2 blocks from our hotel.  Dumb luck?  Nah, pure brilliance.  Akos (pronounced Aakosh) and Leonel checked us over a few times to figure out why to hairy grease monkeys had an executive suite, then fell all over our story and drew a big Hungarian flag on the car for us.  Thanks fellas, yall rock.

Fell asleep quick after showers…staying in the nicest hotel room either of us has ever seen (thanks to Sam & Moni Lisenbe)…up this morning to figure out the next step.  Andy ran downstairs and found an off-license taxi driver named Zoltan Lukais (sorry if we misspelled bud) who called all his buddies and eventually found us a water pump, to be changed later today at some rest stop.  The guy even loaned us the cash for the part until we could find a machine…welcome to the Awesome Club homeboy.

On the way to the place, the taxi passed 4 Rally cars who immediately recognized Andy’s devil beard and screamed “Why the hell are you in a Mercedes?!?,” to which Andy yelled “Our water pump burst!!  Why yall here??,” to which they said “We’re lost!!” to which Andy said “The river’s that way!!”  The Party never stops people.

We’re fixin to head out…going to Transylvania today to hang with Dracula and check out Bran Castle where Vlad the Impaler once lived.  We’ll probably camp somewhere in the woods so sit tight until Thursday or Friday when we can get some Internet again.  As always, keep puttin up awesome.

Skip, out. (SkipLizard Homepage)

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July 23, 2007 by dunny.

Not much internet time, so I’ll be quick.  We woke up Saturday morning and threw our gear in the Chariot with about 45 minutes to get to Hyde Park (in the heart of London) for the Rally Launch.  It took over 2 hours.  London is ridiculous.  It’s a fantastic city, but if you ever drive there after reading this post it’s your own fault if your head explodes.  It got to the point where people we asked for directions would give us different answers for something 3 blocks away…we went the wrong way down a one-way and rana bunch of lights completely by accident…we even drove through Buckingham Palace, but sadly, Andy wasn’t on his game and the Queen turned him down.

Now, as for the Launch…that 2 hours may have been the most fun of all time.  We rolled up to people cheering and screaming, parked, checked in, decorated the Chariot, and got interviewed/filmed but loads of people (including the Discovery Channel).  We screamed and hollered, ran around like wild men, made last minute changes to our route, received a bunch of goodies to bring to CNCF in Mongolia, and were off.

We made it to Prague at 3pm local time.  We drove for 24 hours straight.  Here’s how it went down…

We left the Launch and worked our way back out of London and down to Dover to catch the 6pm ferry to Calais, France.  That went without a hitch, and the ferry was badass.  We saw the white cliffs of Dover and had a pint and met more Ralliers.  Once in France, we went east.  That was pretty much the extent of navigation, as we had no map of Europe and only a zoomed-in printout of the meeting place in Prague the Rally Honchos gave us before we left.

***Disclaimer…the next paragraph is not for youngins***

We stopped for gas somewhere in France.  I had just dozed off and Andy decided to try and keep from doing that again, so he went in and bought the dirtiest French porn magazine he could find and was on his way out to lay it in my lap and take a bunch of bribery pictures.  Luckily, my bladder intervened and I was in the restroom.  Now say what you want about the purchase, but like many things we’ll own on this trip, it basically turned into currency…

We went through Belgium, which was celebrating its national holiday.  We pulled in for gas again in Brussels and the parking lot was like a huge party.  We parked up and got to talking with some people, and up walks this dude in a jail-bird costume named Bart.  He was carrying a bottle of wine and said he had to trade it for something else.  We were digging through all our crap trying to find something worth contributing to a bachelor party, when Andy grins and reaches down and pulls out the porn.  They screamed, we screamed, pictures were taken, and Bart and his bud Steven signed the car.  To whoever says we’ll miss out on culture by driving right through countries, I give you Brussels on their national celebration.

Then we drove across Germany.  Yup, right across her.  We went through Frankfort and Wurzberg and Nurnbern, then the highway ran out.  So we were lost somewhere in the Southeastern German countryside for an hour or so, then found the other side of the construction one mile away from where it ran out.  Whop.  Then off to the Czech Republic chugging energy drinks (called “Ex,” some natural Kombucha energy drink the Rally Honchos gave us…it’s completely awesome) and trying to maintain sanity.

We pulled into Prague and we were hallucinating.  We were exhausted.  Well, we were also in a major Eastern European city with no map, address, or understanding of why they have words without vowels.  We basically just drove towards “Centrum” under the assumption that meant “Center” and found the middle of the city.  Prague is amazing.  It’s got cobble-stone streets and more historic looking buildings than anything I’ve seen.  We eventually found directions to the bar where the Rally Party was going to be, then found someone who spoke enough English to give us directions to our hotel, and crashed for a while.  We woke up around 8 and headed to the Rally Party, had a couple burgers and some beer, and walked around the city until 3am.

The wildest part was seeing all those people we saw in England.  Everyone was exhausted.  It just doesn’t matter.  It’s like everybody here has known each other for years.  Imagine having a chat with two people from New Jersey while on a ferry from England to France, then getting in a car and driving 800 miles to Prague, going to a bar and talking to the same people about the crap you encountered on the way.  Awesome…in every way possible…

…and that’s just Day 1 in Europe people.

We’re fixin to walk around Prague for a spell then it’s on to Budapest, Hungary.  I’ll try and put up some pics in the next post.  Keep putting up awesome, folks…you know we will

Skip, out. (SkipLizard Homepage)

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July 20, 2007 by dunny.

We got so caught up writing about Master Theobald we haven’t even written about London yet!  Holy Hell!!!

After the “barbie” with Steve, we drove into London to meet up with Stevie and try to relive some of the Chicago glory of years past.  Tuesday night was reserved for collapsing from the meat coma the Theobalds so gloriously gave us…which extended long into Wednesday.  That night we walked around the Thames and had some meat pies and a few pints, saw some London sites and ended up in a Jazz bar that apparently used to be a public restroom.  Yup, just our kind of place.

Thursday night got a little out of hand…in an awesome sort of way.  Long story short, we went to a boat bar reminiscent of a Louisana floating casino, only 1/18th the size and no gambling.  We had one last fish and chips and a few more Guinies waiting for the New York crew that ended up with Master Theobald the night before, and ended up in an American themed nightclub with a band that played everything from The Killers to Rage covers and danced and drank and played good-cop-bad-cop up to the point when Andy got thrown out…just like being back home I reckon.

Friday we rousted and got cooked breakfast by Stevie’s little brother Andy (yeah these name similarities are confusing us too) and did all our last minute shopping, AND…..dah, dah, DAAAHHHHHH…….found the post office and picked up our passports and international drivers permits!!  After 1000 miles in South England we actually have passports and legality for driving.  Fantastic.

This past evening we graced the official Rally Launch Party at some cleared out warehouse and shot it with a load of other teams, like another New York team we may end up with in Romania and Bulgaria for a few quick climbing excursions…turns out they’re filming for MTV and we may end up in those end-of-the-hour news recaps or some shit.  Oh, and Young Osbourne was there for a spell.  Great.

Now, as for London.  They don’t label streets.  The streets never run parallel.  You enter highways only in spots you absolutely don’t want to.  You ask directions and the person is usually Polish.  Driving in rush-hour puts Houston to shame.  Bold statement indeed.  Whatever.

The mass transit is completely awesome.  I guess that goes for all of England, but you can be anywhere in London and get to somewhere else 10 miles away in no more than 8 hours.  Sport a cowboy hat and you make conversation with whatever streem bums you want…it’s like being a celebrity that nobody really loves but would kill to talk to.  It’s about 4am here and we have to be in Hyde Park by 10 to get ready to go…after a pawn shop stop for a golf club and some paint pens for the Chariot.

Look, London is busy.  But it’s a blast.  We may be country boys but we can roll a city like nobody’s business.  Smarter men wouldn’t do it hours before they have to drive from London to Prague in a day, but dadgum we could go home now and say we had an adventure of legendary proportions.  Smarter men wouldn’t preface the adventure of a lifetime with an exhausting romp around southern England worthy of a college-time summer backpacking trip either. 

Live in the moment people.  Lay worries to rest.  Appreciate every seond you have and you’re bound to meet people who expose you new places and ideas that you never imagined, people who make you realize more about yourself and your beliefs than you’d ever discover in a work-dinner-TV-party-work rotation.  You don’t have to go around the world to do it…just open up to the people around you and be aware of every moment you live and watch the good karma roll in.

We are going around the world though.  Phase 2 starts tomorrow.  Stay posted my friends…the adventure truly begins now…

Skip, out. (SkipLizard Homepage)

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